EMPOWER INFLUENCE EDUCATE RESTORE
It is Domestic Violence awareness week, and I have come out of domestic violence to share my story and to encourage you that domestic violence will rob you and put you naked on the street if you do not get help. I wish someone had the courage to be real with me and tell me just how it was, instead of the many lies I believed.
The devil will tell you all the lies that, 'they will change, they love you that's why they are jealous, it will not happen again, it was just one off, you are a woman therefore you have to take it, they are men they can do what they want, it will be alright just give time, things will change once you have kids, if you change a bit, learn to serve them more, you are not satisfying them, maybe you talk back, it is your fault ....."
Those of us who have come out of domestic violence situation will be familiar with some of the above.
You lie awake trying to think of ways to make your relationship better, to make them happier, to be better, till you lose sight of who you really are and what you were made for.
You become that person who is jumps at a loud sound, anxious when you are running late from the shops, jump when the phone rings, you try hard to keep the kids extra quiet, be all that they want you to be, but you always run short. There is nothing you can do that stops the ongoing nightmare, that you don't seem to wake up from. We make ourselves believe the lies, that we are loved, that we are extra special that is why, that they are trying to change.
But there is a God who says in Galatians 6:7, "Do not be deceived; for God is not mocked. For whatever a man sows, that shall he reap."
You may not be able to fight this terror alone and you may feel small and insignificant and powerless, but there is a God who can fight for you for He says that the battle is His (2 Chronicles 20:15). And He is not powerless, neither is He deaf that He cannot hear your cry. When you call upon His name, He hears you and He comes to help you (Romans 10:13).
He walks on fire and water to get to you (Matthew 14:22, Daniel 3:25). He came to get me out when there was no hope for me and He healed me from the many fears I carried with me.
The God who sent His only son to die for you, do you think enjoys seeing you beaten and bruised daily. It says in Psalms 56: 8 (NLT), "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.
You are His most priced creation in James 1:18, He gave us birth through His word. You are his most breathtaking creation and He loves you more than you know. He knows your heart like no one else and He knows you before He formed you in your mothers womb. Decisions are hard, but God is on your side and will help you. He will send you help as He did me. Domestic violence nearly killed me and took my child, it is that serious. I pray His protection over you as He leads you out as He did the children of Israel out of bondage.
When you operate in a realm of what is important now and what can be put aside, you can achieve much more. We all at some point procrastinated about housework, "I will do it later, leave the dishes," and rather sit and watch television for a lot longer that had nothing but bad news. We can often waste a lot of time complaining or putting things aside for another day, and that day does not come.
The Bible says in Proverbs 24, to put first things first and prepare for harvest. Sometimes what seems important to us is not important to God in the big picture. We all have been given a gift, a calling and placed on earth to do it. If we don't find our calling, we tend to go with anyone, do anything, and keep searching.
God made us for a purpose, not just to float around, sucking air and die one day without completing the job He gave us.
I spent much of my life running away from my calling. Like Jonah, God chased me and found me in various places. Now I want nothing more than do what He has called me to do. Your calling is usually what you do best. There is something that lightens your eyes when you talk about it. Something that no one can talk you out of. Something that you don't tire of doing and no one can do it better than you. That is your calling, your special talent.
If you are waiting for it to become big, it will not till you plant it. Which means till you put it into practice by being an answer to someone else's prayer. The Bible says when we sew our seed, God makes it grow. When we put it to good course, it is like planting a seed in good soil. When you put it in the Master's hand, He will stretch it, and make it more.
Everyone has a talent given by God. Some of us go through life never finding it. We don't look for it. We give it away, waste it by not doing anything about it.
Jesus had a purpose. He was placed on earth to do a job. He could not do it till the time was right with God. His job was to die. He was born to die as a sacrifice for you and me. He knew it and He did it well.
Instead of chasing dead dreams, dead end jobs, wasting time chasing things that don't matter, ask God to show you what He made you for. He will show you. Chase after things of the Lord and He will bless you.
" I have always loved you so I continue to show you my constant love. Once again I will rebuild you. Once again you will pick up your tambourines and dance joyfully." - Jeremiah 31: 3-4
Domestic violence will rob you of your dignity and peace. It is still a topic no one wants to talk about. It is still a topic of shame and disgrace. People change subject as quickly as flicking the ashes off a cigarette. It is not a topic easily discussed and not many want to share their stories. Many put on a brave front and go to their usual activities and still lie about that bruise on their eye or a broken lip.
They tell themselves that it will be okay one day. They live in the lie that they are loved and that they will change. You wait in hope, but that day never comes. Your children grow in the abuse and you still wait for the change.
Some change had to be forced, a decision has to be made and it is not easy. Change takes courage because you are entering a zone that is not familiar and it is outside of your comfort zone. Sometimes it is easier to stay in the abuse because it is familiar.
It took me many years to be able to candidly speak about my journey from domestic violence. I don't want you to feel that you are the only one, maybe even a Christian living in the shame of a broken marriage and a home. I was a Christian who strayed away, allured by love and left everything to follow my own ways. My own ways were not right and it led me to many painful events and loss of my child.
I lived in a secret guilt and depression for many years. I suffered from anxiety and fear and could not move on in life. I felt stuck even when I came out.
God who put together a mosaic of my life from the shattered pieces will do it for you too. He is a God who can heal your wounds and give you a new life as He did for me.
You don't have to feel alone, you don't have to live in shame and guilt. Jesus came so you can have life, a life without shame and fear. A free life.
David in the Bible in 2 Samuel chapter 12 verses 1 through to 8; had everything he could ask for. He had many concubines and could have any women he wanted. He had wealth and power. He had everything. Yet he had a man killed only to take his wife. This man was in his army and was very faithful to David.
This man had been in battle fighting for David while David was home indulging. He comes out to his bacony and sees a woman bathing and he lusts after her. This woman was Uriah's wife. Some say she seduced King David by bathing outside knowing David usually stood on his balcony. Anyway King David had this woman brought to him and he slept with her. In the course of time she conceives a child with King David. David tries to get Uriah to sleep with his wife so that he doesnt get blamed but that does not happen as Uriah is very faithful to the King and refuses to sleep with his wife till war is over. David then plots to have him killed so that his sin is not exposed and then goes about his business as if nothing had happened.
God sends a messenger to him tell David what he had done. This messenger brings David a mirror for David to see himself in the form of a scenario. He tells David a parable telling him about a poor man who had a lamb whom he loved very much. He had nothing else but this lamb who was like a pet whom he lived and fed. There was also a very rich man who had everything. Many animals, wealth and everything he could ask for. This rich man steals this poor mans only lamb and kills it. What should happen to the rich man? DAvid is outraged and tells the messenger that the rich man should be killed. He was quick to judge and without thinking he passed his judgement. Most of us do that. We have plenty and yet we lust for another. Its never enough. We want more and more. The messenger tells David that he was that rich man who took the poor mans only most loved lamb. He could have had anything but he lusted after another mans wife and took her. Uriah was committed to serving David. He was faithful to David yet David stole the one thing he had and loved the most. David was quick to speak about another and did not see his own sin. How many times you hear, "isnt she supposed to be a Christian, how could she." You see my mistakes but cover yours.
We are busy looking at the speck in someone elses eyes like David and not look in our own. We take advantage of the less fortunate and use our power to bring them down. It was easy to judge but when David found out it was him who did the wrong, it was another story.
God said to David, "I gave you all of Israel and Judah and everything you asked for. I gave you houses and vinyards and everything you wanted. If that was not enough, I would have given you more."
Didnt David know that he could have asked for more. Have you heard Christians say that you not supposed to be rich. God says to David, I made you so wealthy and if that was not enough, wby didnt you ask for more? I would have given you the desires of your heart had you asked for more, yet you went and stole what belonged to another.
What are you settling for? You can ask God for more for He says in James 4:2, you have not because you have asked not. What are you asking God? God is giving you a blank cheque. Yet you are too busy plotting and planning someone elses fall. You are jealous of someone elses gifting and not maximizing your own. Are you tapping into His resourses. He told Caine that he could have had what his brother Abel had. David you could have asked God but you have refuses His advice. You went your own way. Your brother's blood is crying out to me Caine. David, Uriah's blood is crying out to me therefore your child his wife is carrying will die.
You could have asked God for more yet you try to fix it yourself. You have options. You have Gods resources. You have the healing. You have His Word. You have His Blood. You have all the resources you will ever need. Tap into it.
Anytime you have made a decision to do something or get out of a situation, the devil will bring road blocks to keep you there, to hold you a prisoner.
Have you every tried to quit smoking or to lose weight? You suddenly see everyone smoking or everyone eating. All day you think about food or cigarette more than usual.
To get to a new place, we have to leave our old place. We cannot take our old mindset to our new level. I remember someone telling me once that they adopted a child from a poor country and each morning they would find lot of food hidden under this child's bed. Although the child had left poverty, but poverty had not left the child. It was in their mind.
When I left my abusive relationship, it took a long time for me to feel free. I left the situation, but the effects of abuse was embedded in me. The fear, the hopelessness, the lack of trust and confidence was inside of me. I had to work very hard to break the cycle of my thinking and and pull the root out. Only then was I able to move forward.
Our God is a God of change. He says in Ecclesiastes 3:1-15, that there is time for everything on earth, a season and a purpose. Nothing stays the same. There is always growth and movement. Even the grass in the fields that don't get looked after grows.
In the Bible, you will find out there was a lot of movement. God moved people around. He asked Abraham to leave his father's house and move to a place He had not told him about yet. Naomi moved twice, once with her family and then she returned with her daughter in law. Moses ran away from his palace life to wander around in the desert to find himself. God is about change, about movement. He does not like statues. And when we ask God to change someone, He will often change you.
Long time ago one day driving home from work, stressed already, I was praying and asking God to change my young teen daughter to help me more, when God told me clearly that day, that I had to change the way I spoke to her. You see coming out of abusive relationship had left a lot of scars in me and my attitude wasn't always right. I was always defensive and she learnt that from me. So after hearing from God that day, I started to speak in a new way and it worked. I had peace in my home. When we ask God to change others, most often God will change us because change starts with us.
If God speaks to you, listen and obey. New things are available to us if we obey and not ask a lot of questions. Mary the mother of Jesus accepted her calling even if it meant she had to let go of hers. She was about to get married, when God disrupted her plans. His one announcement changed her entire life. But she humbled and accepted her calling even if it took away her own plans. God looks for a heart like Mary. Joseph in the Bible is another example of love. His own siblings treated him poorly. They hated him and threw him in a pit. Then they told their father that he was dead. Their father's grief did not even move them.
Then they sold him. Yet when the time came for Joseph the governor of Egypt to reveal himself to them, the brothers were afraid. They remembered what they had done to Joseph but Joseph on the other hand, did not mind. He cried thinking about his father and forgave his brothers saying that what did was not good but God made it good so that he could be a blessing to them and to others.
Situations change us for the better of we allow it to. Joseph was not bitter. Twelve years of his life was spent in prison. He had every opportunity to be bitter and angry with his brother. He had a change to behead them in his anger and hatred. But he did not. He forgave them and loved them and that is why precisely why God chose Joseph for this job.
To be a servant in everything God calls you to do is a special gift. It is hard and not everyone can be a servant, but our good example is our Lord Jesus who was always serving. If we take this attitude of a servant hood, than every blessing that comes in our life, will not change us. Pride will not come in. Many people change when they become rich and get a big name. They forget who they were and how God brought them out. Change is necessary for growth. Most of us don't like change. Change means getting out of comfort zone to the unfamiliar, to the unknown. Transition is God bringing a new season in your life. Get ready to expand your boundaries.
Everyday we have a choice, we live by believing and we live my doing. Thanking God for everything that is working for us and all that we have, rather than feeling envious about what we don't have or comparing to what others are doing. Use His word to bless your day and declare His favor on your day. Living under a constant flow of Gods supply of blessing and goodness, we must stay connected to His word and have daily communication with Him. He is not a santa claus (sorry i refuse to use capitals) so that we can flick our fingers and get something. Because God gave and Jesus also always gave, and we are so much like Him, it is our nature to give. Giving is not only money, we get a chance of being nice to someone, sharing a seat with someone, giving of time, helping in many ways is sharing the love of Christ.
We all have a covenant with God and it is our right to be in health and in wealth and when we are living in a way that honors God, it puts us in a place to receive from Him. He puts us in a place where we meet people who will bless us, He connects us to great men and women of God and pulls us from the back to the front.
We give freely because we have been given freely. Jesus was a free gift from God to redeem us from sin. I feel so blessed when I look back and see just how far God has brought me to.
From a nobody, God has put me in front where people know me. I would rejoice when I brought 4 people to the Lord in a week, till God asked me to believe Him for 400 people a week.
Yes, troubles come to everyone of us, and when we are Christians, people seem to think somehow we are exempted, but no, the devil does not care about our status or who we are. He knows one thing, that God made human beings just a little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory. He calls them his children and loves them. That is enough to put you in the firing line with the devil because of who you are. He knows you are his enemy. He is a master of lies and imitator of God. He is the God of the world though and will stop at nothing to destroy you.
From a broken, lost, depressed, homeless and beaten person, I find it hard to believe what I see in the mirror everyday. I have to talk to myself how blessed I am and not a day goes by that I do not tell God how He has touched my life. If it had not come on time to rescue me, I would have killed myself and my children.
Sometimes our choices seem innocent at the time but it takes us so far away from God that returning is impossible but God says for you it may be impossible but for Him nothing is impossible.
It's not that I did drugs or smoked, or drank alcohol or did anything bad, my mistake was falling in love, and if that is a crime, that the penalty was very harsh and not just. But our God says when we are unequally yoked, life can get difficult. I was unequally yoked.
I remember hiding with my children behind shrubs at night in the cold, putting my hand over their mouth to keep them quiet so that we would not be found and beaten, and thinking how did my life become so bad. A God fearing Christian girl full of life and hope, full of dreams become a destitute, an outcast.
You might be reading this, and it is not a co-incident, your life perhaps is a mess, and you don't even know how you got there, but let me encourage you today, that mine was so messy and I felt so far away from God that I did not even know how to return. Each time I tried to get out, I would return to what broke me because sometimes we normalize our bad behavior, or our bad situation and allow it to become part of us and breaking away from a part of you is painful.
But the same God who brought me out, wiped my tears, is here for you today. The blood of Jesus covered my shame and broke the chain of every bondage. I am hoping that you would find Jesus love through these words and find Him in your troubles.
May God bless you and keep you and bring you out as He did me.
You cannot say, here I am, send me unless you really mean it and are ready to go wherever and whenever God sends you. Because if you are thinking it will be in nice fancy hotels and in front of cameras with dainty little steps and pointed heel shoes, then you better stay right where you are in your comfort zone. When God calls you, you will be standing alone in an orchard with trees full of ripe fruits, in the middle of the harvest season with no equipment, ready to pick. Mary the mother of Jesus life changes when God announced to her that He had chosen her to be the carrier of His child. Her life turned upside down from a excited bride to be to a homeless woman on the run from a King who wanted to kill her baby.
It will cost you to follow Jesus, and there is no turning back. There is a price to pay, when you put your hand up to follow Jesus. It will cost you your friends, your habits, your comfort zone and everything your flesh runs after. It cost Jesus His life on the cross when He said to His father, "Here I am, send me."
There will be times you will have no money for food or to pay your bills. The devil will laugh on your face for leaving your comfort things behind to sleep on the mattress on the floor. Your families and close friends will tell you that you are crazy, that something has gone wrong with you and you will secretly wonder if they are right because you know you have changed.
You will no longer be able to enjoy the fellowship of friends in clubs and social places you once hung around in. Your associations with your loved ones and friends will change. The things you once enjoyed and the passions and hobbies you once spend time in will no longer satisfy your soul. You will start feeling a pull, a tug so strong in your spirit that nothing else will make you happy till you find where that pull is coming from. One by one all your friends will say good bye, as they fall off your radar because you are no long fun to be with. Because all you talk about is this 'Jesus'.
It is a lonely walk following Jesus, when you say, "Here I am, send me!"
But the reward is like none other because you will find yourself doing exactly what you have been called to do and you will no longer be looking for 'that something missing' in night clubs, in market places, in alcohol and gambling and in relationships. Because when you put your hand up and say, "Here I am Lord, send me," you will find that you have finally found home. That you have found 'that something' that satisfies your soul. You will find that you are no longer 'searching for that something missing' because it was your purpose that was missing, it was God missing that you were looking for in places and in things and in people.
When you put your hand up for God, you are saying, "Lord for all that you have done for me, I bring to you my sacrifice of thanksgiving, myself." Abraham brought to God the one thing that was the closest to his heart, his promised son Isaac. There is nothing you and I love more than ourselves. That is why we buy all those shoes and handbags and wigs and clothes to adorn ourselves. And when you bring yourself to God to allow Him to use you as He sees fit, it is a prayer, a sacrifice unto God of that which is most valuable to you, 'yourself!'
Are you ready for the ultimate sacrifice of all that you are and all that you ever wanna be, bringing it to the Master's feet and saying, "Here I am Lord, send me."
It will cost you to lay down everything and everyone you hold close to your heart and run after Him who made you, your maker and your creditor. We are not here to build our own kingdom, but His Kingdom here on earth. We are privileged that He found us first and now it is our job to bring others to Him. "Here I am Lord, send me!" I will go wherever you send me. I will eat whatever you give me. I will do all that you have assigned me to do and I will bring my praise to You the most High God. In all that I am and all that I ever wanna be, I bring to you my sacrifices of joy and thanksgiving for all that you have done for me. "Here I am Lord, send me!"
It is hard to find a perfect pair of shoes that is nice but offers comfort as well. Sometimes it is very confusing as you walk past so many styles and colors for every outfit. We survey each set, from high heels that we could barely walk in to the flats that you feel the pebble underneath. We even try a few forbidden ones, the towering heels we can just about take a few steps in. It fits perfectly and looks stunning but you cannot walk in them. Have you ever purchased shoes just because they look so beautiful even though you will never wear them? Maybe that red stiletto, pencil heels, red underneath, the ones you see celebrities wear and you cannot resist. You hear it whisper to you and you cannot walk away. You cannot walk in it but it look good so you buy it.
Life will allude you to things you sometimes buy into knowing that it is not good for you. We all fall into certain temptations. For some it maybe shoes, but for others it could be far more damaging such as drugs or gambling.
The Bible talks about Jonah who runs way from God calling and God sends a huge storm in the ocean where he was hiding in a boat. His rebelliousness catches up with him and he finds himself in the deep dark place in the whales belly (Jonah 1) from where he cries out to God. Our disobedience cost us. There is a price to pay for everything. Sometimes our behavior puts others at risk, maybe our children, our families and our loved ones. Jonah had put the other sailors at risk by his foolishness, the choice he made to disobey God. Like God could not find him in the ship. Even though the sailors threw him off board to save the shift and themselves, God remains merciful and sends a whale to swallow him. Jonah did not die even in the ocean.
When a storm hits our life because we have involved in things we did not expect to get involved in, like Jonah we cry out to God who hears us even from the deep dark place.
You may feel like there is no hope for you and that mess you are in is so big that no one could help you, but God can. If he can send a whale to save a rebellious man, God can save you too.
Ask God today to help you out of your situation and He will send you help.
Help is near, as near even in your mouth. Ask and you will receive, seek and you will find (Matthew 7:7).
i lIt was dawn my favorite part of the day. I looked through the window of my tiny bedroom this morning praying. I saw the white picket fence and the road. I looked at the neighbor's houses across the road. I was in this unit a year now and had only spoken to two neighbor's. I had given up everything, sold what little I had to follow the vision God gave me few years ago. I left everything with the promise growing in my belly of the vision He gave me. Here I was a year ago, His promise coming true in my life. His word is forever true and solid. What He promises, He delivers. It may not be exactly as you saw in your vision or imagined it, but it He does deliver in His perfect time in His way.
I thought of my previous house I had lived in for twelve glorious year. It was just over a year ago I sold it reluctantly. It was double story old beach house surrounded by lush tropical plants and shrubs. I saw myself in the various rooms of the house where I stood to pray. I could hear the waves. I could feel the warm breeze on my face as I sat near the door praying. My heart was happy. I was home with my husband and my family. We were very happy in this house. We found the Lord in a different level here. I pulled myself away to my current view. My view was different now.
I sat on the side of my bed trying to pray in tongues. I could hear my husband praying softly in the dining room as he does each morning.
It was still dark, summer cool morning was dawning.
I thought of the homeless people sleeping with nothing on them.
I thought of you. I wandered what could you see outside of your window?
Maybe you could see snow draped fashionably all over outside of your window. Maybe you have green mountains and fields with cows and goats happily grazing.
Maybe you can hear the dull flow of the nearby creek or maybe it's raining heavily this morning as you look through your bedroom window.
All our views are different this morning as I gaze through my window.
My view changed in a year. Little did I know then that God had another city for me. A different time zone, a different view. Life can change things in a blink.
We are waking up in a different time zones in a different weather. Some of us did not sleep all night. And unfortunately some did not make it to morning. Someone perhaps crawled without a home to return to, in front of a shop thinking about the childhood they had. A life that was snatched from them. They wandered how they ended up homeless on the streets. Their view was perhaps the hurried feet trotting by to get to their work.
Our views either it's looking outside our window or looking at life can change very quickly. Maybe you had it all going for you before, with a family, a job and a home and now you are standing alone looking through the window in a leased home.
I stood at the same window in the previous evening with hot tears dripping down my cheeks as I shared with God my heavy heart. But in the morning my tears had dried. Although my situation had not moved, but my view had shifted. I stood at the same window, with a different view.
Your view in life or outside your window will not stay the same.
Life changes. It will shift.
A little step here and a big step there, moves us to another window in another time.
We are only passers by. We are moving through. We are not staying.
A journey we are all taking. We cannot hold a view down. We cannot hold anything down. Don't be too rushed to pass through life. I remember being young I could not wait till I was a teenager so I could have a boyfriend like other girls.
Then when I became a teenager, I could not wait to leave home, leave my 'mean' parents who would not let me wear lipstick or things I wanted to wear.
I rushed through time and forgot to appreciate where I was at.
I could not wait to get married. I could not wait to have a baby.
I look back now and I realize sadly that I have raced through time. I barely enjoyed each season of my life. Each season I moaned and groaned. I mumbled and complained. I could not wait for the next season, for the next year and in doing so, I missed every opportunity to be happy, to cherish the many little blessings I was given.
Now I am older going through senior life changes and I look at my life on the hindsight. I see how I was in a big rush to get older.
I now long for those young days when I was being awakened by my mum for school. When I walked the gravel road alone talking to God to school. I could hear the neighbors dog barking, and someone calling my nick name they all so fondly used. Tears filled my eyes and my heart went all mushy. I can almost feel my mums breath as she gently pushed the blankets off me and I moaned protesting. I could hear her calling my name, telling me to get up or a stick was coming. I could hear myself mumbling and complaining why mum always called me, why not my sisters. I told her I was going to run away, to leave the house to work in the big city. Tears stated to roll down my cheeks as I remember my childhood days. How quickly they went. I wanted it to disappear so I could become a grown up and now I wanted them back.
I saw myself waking up early to ask my dad fifty cents before he went to work. I saw my siblings arguing about chores. I have not seen some of my siblings in years as they live overseas. I long for those young days, the moments when life was simple.
I miss my mother and my father who I thought they would be around forever.
I never stopped to appreciate them or tell them how much they meant to me. I just raced through life wanting to leave home, wanting to grow up and now I don't have them.
We want the next phase quickly, give me tomorrow Lord, today is too hard. We beg God for the next day hoping it might have something better while we are letting go of today at hand.
Instead of appreciating the moment, the season we are in, we long for tomorrow. But when tomorrow comes, we are still not happy. And then we are in our sixties and seventies and look at life and wander where did it all go.
Enjoy the season. That day will never come back.
That very day you want to get out of, will not return. You will look back and long for that day that you are now begging God to move you from. Your moment will never return. No one tells us these valuable lessons which only life teaches us but a little too late.
Let me encourage you today, to embrace the moment you are in, good or bad, it is a moment you are in and it is passing very quickly.
We can buy things in life, but we cannot buy time. We cannot buy the breath of God which has to return to him.
You only have the moment you are in now, the rest is a gift to us. Be appreciative of your moments, and live your life to the fullest. It goes very fast. When we are a child, it seems to go slow, but when we get older, it seems to race.
Your view will never be the same as the moment you have now. This moment is all you have. Cherish it. Love the people in it. And thank God for it. xx
I used to get easily distracted in class, and my teacher used to put that "easily distracted' on my report card. Distraction from that which was at hand kept me for being serious about life, from facing life's reality. Distraction was like my cover page, but when you opened the pages you would find a lot of pain and lot of hidden truths, a lot of shame. It served as a buffer, a hiding place from facing the truth about myself, it kept me from me. It kept me safe from others finding out about me, my secret, my truth, my abuse. My bubbling personality was a fake, an acting, a put on to keep people from guessing that there was anything else going on in the inside.
I always felt lonely inside, even in a room full of people. It was because I didnt like people, I didn't like their chatter. I grew up in a large family but from an early age I realised I did not fit, I did not belong. I was different so when my siblings teased me that I was adopted, I believed them. I found being alone was where I could be myself. I needed time to breath, to step out from pretending and being alone gave me that time.
Then it happened. I fell in love with the quiteness, the silence because in the silence I was myself, I was not pretending to be that strong person, or that person everyone thought I was.
I started to enjoy the silence. But the silence started to betray me. Because in the silence my heart pondered, my mind worried, fear found me and doubts consumed me. I started to dislike it, because in the silence, I could hear the whispers of my heart, the echoing of the beat and the longing of my soul. Some days I found myself willingly surrendering to the voices of my past, the beckoning of my thoughts. Silence offered me free travel pass, it did not require a passport. It offered me first class seat in the cinema of my past, where I could hear the chatter of people accusing me, I saw my lost dreams, my mistakes, and all the things that hurt me till I became numb with misery. Then like a jealous lover it consumed me in the darkness till I was drunk with longings of my past. I willingly gave myself to the darkness, till I was not able to see anyone but my past. I saw the little girl lost and afraid standing in the deep forest, not able to find her way out. I could hear her sobbing. I called out to her and reached out to her but she could not hear me. I started to dislike silence. It took me away to the past.
I begged for distraction. Anything, something, to hold onto and pull myself out of the silence. Silence took me away from reality. It took me to the abyss. It tried to lock me up in the darkness of fear and regret. I loved distraction, anything, to keep me from silence because in the silence, I find myself drifting into the waves of my past till slowly I started to drown and no one heared my muffled voice as I drown into the hurts of my past.
Then one day, in the silence, I had an encounter with Jesus. He stretched his arm toward me and I got a glimpse of the scar in His hand. I read about that scar in my favourite book, the Bible. It was real I thought. From than onward, I had a secret place to go to, a friend to hang around with. He was a real friend. I did not have to pretend to be someone else. With Him, I did not have to be strong or bubbly.
I found the silence was not too bad after all, because now I had a friend, a real friend who came to meet me in the silence and we talked for hours. I could share my heart to Him and I knew He would not tell anyone. I knew He would not betray me. I longed for the silence now, because in the silence, I found my friend. In the silence He started to talk to me and show me all that I was meant to be. In the silence, Jesus came to visit me and in the silence He found me.