I used to get easily distracted in class, and my teacher used to put that "easily distracted' on my report card. Distraction from that which was at hand kept me for being serious about life, from facing life's reality. Distraction was like my cover page, but when you opened the pages you would find a lot of pain and lot of hidden truths, a lot of shame. It served as a buffer, a hiding place from facing the truth about myself, it kept me from me. It kept me safe from others finding out about me, my secret, my truth, my abuse. My bubbling personality was a fake, an acting, a put on to keep people from guessing that there was anything else going on in the inside.
I always felt lonely inside, even in a room full of people. It was because I didnt like people, I didn't like their chatter. I grew up in a large family but from an early age I realised I did not fit, I did not belong. I was different so when my siblings teased me that I was adopted, I believed them. I found being alone was where I could be myself. I needed time to breath, to step out from pretending and being alone gave me that time.
Then it happened. I fell in love with the quiteness, the silence because in the silence I was myself, I was not pretending to be that strong person, or that person everyone thought I was.
I started to enjoy the silence. But the silence started to betray me. Because in the silence my heart pondered, my mind worried, fear found me and doubts consumed me. I started to dislike it, because in the silence, I could hear the whispers of my heart, the echoing of the beat and the longing of my soul. Some days I found myself willingly surrendering to the voices of my past, the beckoning of my thoughts. Silence offered me free travel pass, it did not require a passport. It offered me first class seat in the cinema of my past, where I could hear the chatter of people accusing me, I saw my lost dreams, my mistakes, and all the things that hurt me till I became numb with misery. Then like a jealous lover it consumed me in the darkness till I was drunk with longings of my past. I willingly gave myself to the darkness, till I was not able to see anyone but my past. I saw the little girl lost and afraid standing in the deep forest, not able to find her way out. I could hear her sobbing. I called out to her and reached out to her but she could not hear me. I started to dislike silence. It took me away to the past.
I begged for distraction. Anything, something, to hold onto and pull myself out of the silence. Silence took me away from reality. It took me to the abyss. It tried to lock me up in the darkness of fear and regret. I loved distraction, anything, to keep me from silence because in the silence, I find myself drifting into the waves of my past till slowly I started to drown and no one heared my muffled voice as I drown into the hurts of my past.
Then one day, in the silence, I had an encounter with Jesus. He stretched his arm toward me and I got a glimpse of the scar in His hand. I read about that scar in my favourite book, the Bible. It was real I thought. From than onward, I had a secret place to go to, a friend to hang around with. He was a real friend. I did not have to pretend to be someone else. With Him, I did not have to be strong or bubbly.
I found the silence was not too bad after all, because now I had a friend, a real friend who came to meet me in the silence and we talked for hours. I could share my heart to Him and I knew He would not tell anyone. I knew He would not betray me. I longed for the silence now, because in the silence, I found my friend. In the silence He started to talk to me and show me all that I was meant to be. In the silence, Jesus came to visit me and in the silence He found me.