I sat next to his little incubator bed and kept looking at his little body fitted with tubes. I looked at his little finger and his swollen face. I had been through a lot of pain in my life where I thought death was acceptable from the pain I went through but this was a kind of pain that broke me inside like never before. This was my first born, my son, born out of my body, part of my body. I was angry. I was perplexed, I was afraid. I was too afraid to close my eyes, even to blink, in case he died while my eyes were closed. For some reason I thought if I kept looking at him, he could feel me and get energy from me. I prayed that God would keep him.
Married and alone sitting by the crib that snuggled my first born in its bosom, my baby, fighting to live. Domestic violence killed my child. Beatings sent me into a premature labor. At 18, I lost my hopes and my dreams. Fist fight, a kick fight that people usually pay money and bet to see in the boxing rings, becomes the norm in my life. A strong man beats a young naive vulnerable 18 year old girl brutally and mercilessly and leaves her to die. Then it happens again and again week after week. An endless dream you can't seem to wake up from. A bad nightmare you long to wake up from. A man who promised to love, nurture and to protect becomes the abuser. Have you ever been afraid of someone you love? You can't leave them and you can't live with them.
The worse thing is guilt and condemnation knowing that you had a chance to make it right, but you stayed.
I asked God to forgive me for rebelling. I made promises to God. This was a piece of me, my baby I held against my breast few days ago. Days went by, I refused to leave his side or move. I wanted someone to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be alright. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted it all to go away. No one held me, no one encouraged me, no one loved me. I was alone looking at my baby lying still with tubes coming from everywhere.
I wanted someone to shake me and wake me up from this bad dream.
I pleaded as I rocked myself back and forth. His tiny body finally gave in and he did die but God in His everlasting mercy, removed me for few minutes so that I did not have to see him take his last breath.
My brother gently forced me to shower and sleep after days of sitting next to him, the Lord showed me a dream where my son was waving me goodbye. He wasn't a baby. He was a little boy sitting on a swing in a lush garden full of flowers and I was pushing him from the front. He was waving at me. I was waving back. It was a very beautiful moment. I kept pushing him on the swing and he smiled and waved as I pushed him higher.
I heard the phone ringing far away. Then the ringing sound appeared closer and louder. I felt someone shake me. I opened my eyes and I knew …................. My son had gone. He waved me goodbye in my dream........
I didn’t cry. I felt numb. Everything after that I still don't remember to this day. How do you get over the death of a child - Only by God’s Grace! Who can understand your pain better than God who also lost a son?
My testimony now brings salvation, healing and restoration to many. Sometimes you don't get answers, you don't understand, you just believe in a power greater than death.
I don't know why I had to lose my baby my first born. Why my answer did not come. Why I had to be broken again. I have repented for being angry with God when my child died.
God alone has the power to turn your pain into purpose.
…For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Heb 13:5 NKJV).
To God I give all the glory now, even in my pain. He is the resurrection and the Life.
The Bible shows us a glimpse of the lives of different women who have been broken and felt their life was a barren land with thistles, parched/dry land, undesirable and discarded. Some of these women were nameless such as the woman with the issue of blood (Luke 8:43-48 NLT). We all have an issue, may it be disease, loss of home or business, loss of a child or loved one, depression, anxiety, addictions, loneliness, whatever it is, and it has been haunting us for a long time.
Hannah in the Bible (1 Samuel 1 NLT), was a barren woman, longing for a child of her own, being laughed at and ridiculed by other women. Hannah did not hide the fact that she was very needy and desperate for God to hear her cry. She didn't care what she looked like or who was watching her, as she sat at the temple, begging the Lord to hear her heart. She rocked herself back and forth as she cried and mumbled to God that to others, it seemed like drunken woman.
Abigail (1 Samuel 25 NLT) was a woman who stopped at nothing to save and protect her family. She was a peacemaker. Then there is Esther (Esther 1-8 NLT) who saves her people through a series of events. Ruth and Naomi (Ruth NLT), two women bonded together by pain, both suffering in silence, both have gone through deep losses. They share their pain, and make a long journey together to get to their destiny. A beautiful story of how pain can bring two people from different cultures and beliefs together.
It is amazing how we can help a person by not saying a word. Our presence sometimes is enough to hold someone who may be going through barrenness. The twisted woman in the Bible (Luke 13:11-17 NKJV), invisible to many, suffering in silence for 18 years, caught the eye of Jesus who saw the hold the enemy had on her. He looked past her outward appearance and saw her tears, her pain, her sorrow, her humiliation, her barrenness and tells her, "Woman, thou are loosed of your infirmity". This same Jesus is speaking to us today. He says it once we hear it at least twice (Psalm 62:11 NLT).
Perhaps you also are going through some similar challenges and cannot find God in your situation. Maybe you too have been waiting to hear from God for a long time, like the woman with the issue of blood who waited 12 years, Joseph was in jail for 12 years because of hatred by his own siblings, and the twisted lady who suffered pain of Arthritis for 18 years get their breakthrough. God has an answer for you. do not give up. Allow yourself to hear Jesus’ voice saying to you,
"Woman, thou are loosed of your infirmity" (Luke 13).
I went through many years of wilderness in my life, of shame and fear.
I was a young Christian girl wondering why God would allow me to suffer if He loved me. I could not understand how a God of love would allow horrible things in someone's life.
I was so lost that I wanted to take my own life. I was messed up inside and outside. I was like that woman with the issue of blood, going here and there for help, but there was no help. I was that twisted woman who was invisible and forgotten. I was the broken Naomi who lost a child, lost her love and everything that mattered to her.
What do you do when you cannot find God ANYWHERE! I thought He lived in my trouble, but I looked for Him (Job 23:8-9 NLT), (Song of Solomon 3:1-3 NLT), and I could not find Him. "Why have you forgotten me, why God have you left me", I cried but I did not hear Him.
You see, I wasn't the only one praying this prayer (Psalm 77: 7-9 NLT), and in (Psalm 22 NLT), the Psalmist also cried to God the same prayer my heart was crying to God. Jesus himself sweated blood when asking his father, "God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Mark 15:34 NLT and Psalm 22:1 NLT).
We cannot understand the ways of God. He says in Isaiah 55:8 (NKJV), that “… My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways …” What He knows and sees, we don't. He sees the end from the beginning …Declaring the end from the beginning … (Isaiah 46:10 NKJV). With all the bad that happened in my life, I am grateful that those hard times changed my life. I am here to tell my story and to encourage many who are in similar situations as me, that there is a tomorrow that is far greater than what they are going through now.
I am still here declaring the goodness of God in my life.
I see myself as the alabaster jar, broken at the master’s feet and my testimony is the fragrance helping others.
Even in our darkest hours, God promises never to abandon us. He promises to be with us always even when we feel alone in our problem. Gods promise doesn't always look anything like what we anticipated because He says “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. (Isaiah 55:8 NLT)
He often asks us to do the impossible knowing that we can't do it without Him. Elijah sat alone, depressed by the dried brook and Moses wandered alone in the dry hot desert not sure where to go what to do (1 King 17; Exodus 2:15 NLT)
We sometimes make choices that take us into dark, dry and desolate places we did not expect to be in. This is often followed by guilt which may leave us wandering around for years. Even still God keeps His promise never to leave us or abandon us (Deuteronomy 31:6 NLT).
We become so absorbed in our own problems, and most often miss Gods voice like in the burning bush. (Exodus 3:3NLT)
God will always call you more than once. He speaks once we hear twice, so that we can have confirmation of His will. His voice echoes beyond the ocean depths and across the Heavens. That's why He tells us to be still and know that He is God. Be still, means quieten the chatter around you and in your head (Psalm 46:10 NLT). Samuel heard God but did not know it was God (1Samuel 3 NLT).
When we are full of bitterness, anger and unforgiveness we are blocked from hearing Gods voice. He calls us but we cannot hear him. (Acts 28:27 NLT) Sometimes even when we do hear His still small voice calling us, we hesitate in following His direction and His calling for our lives because we fear stepping into the unknown. We partner with fear and ignore our calling that God has for our lives because we are afraid of the unknown and staying in the comfort zone is easier and safer. We settle in the place where we are supposed to be on temporary visa, a holding bay.
If God has spoken His calling to you, stand strong and keep declaring Gods promise and vision over your life. Stop saying negative things to yourself and possibly others. This allows the devil to persuade you into another path. Remember Moses brought all the Israelites out of Egypt and were going to the Promised Land. It was supposed to take only a short time but took them 40 years (Acts 7:36 NLT)
It will not be easy. Once you have recognized your calling and made a decision to go on the other side, attacks will be launched from every side. Storms will rise up. Huge waves will rock your boat. Unload the boat and throw all the unimportant things into the ocean. Let go of wasteful friends. Let go of grudges, unforgiveness and fear because you are going to the other side. You are leaving somethings behind to get to the bigger things up yonder.
Like a caterpillar you are in transformation. You are getting ready to fly but before you do that, you need to go through some discomfort, pain, let go of unnecessary attachments. Nothing gets born, without pain and discomfort. Like a caterpillar, you are fighting the environment and many other stressors. You will feel cornered like the children of Israel at red sea (Exodus 14 NLT).
However, when you keep putting your vision before you and keep taking one step at a time (no matter how small), you are declaring what God has said over your situation and your circumstance will start to shift. Declare His goodness, and surely you will start seeing results because God says in his word He sees the end from the beginning (Isaiah 46:10 NLT). He who started a good work in you will also finish it (Philippians 1:6 NLT). He is not only the Alpha but He is also the Omega, the beginning and the end (Revelation 22:13 NLT).
So I want to encourage you today, the storm will rage, the waves will rise, the boat may break but as long as you are anchored in Christ He will take you to shore.
The Bible says, “But mightier than the violent raging of the seas, mightier than the breakers on the shore — the LORD above is mightier than these! (Psalm 93:4 NLT).
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Do you have a past that you have been ashamed of? Situations and circumstances God brought you out of. Things you don't feel comfortable to share with anyone. A past you have been hiding from others?