EMPOWER INFLUENCE EDUCATE RESTORE
I sat next to his little incubator bed and kept looking at his little body fitted with tubes. I looked at his little finger and his swollen face. I had been through a lot of pain in my life where I thought death was acceptable from the pain I went through but this was a kind of pain that broke me inside like never before. This was my first born, my son, born out of my body, part of my body. I was angry. I was perplexed, I was afraid. I was too afraid to close my eyes, even to blink, in case he died while my eyes were closed. For some reason I thought if I kept looking at him, he could feel me and get energy from me. I prayed that God would keep him.
Married and alone sitting by the crib that snuggled my first born in its bosom, my baby, fighting to live. Domestic violence killed my child. Beatings sent me into a premature labor. At 18, I lost my hopes and my dreams. Fist fight, a kick fight that people usually pay money and bet to see in the boxing rings, becomes the norm in my life. A strong man beats a young naive vulnerable 18 year old girl brutally and mercilessly and leaves her to die. Then it happens again and again week after week. An endless dream you can't seem to wake up from. A bad nightmare you long to wake up from. A man who promised to love, nurture and to protect becomes the abuser. Have you ever been afraid of someone you love? You can't leave them and you can't live with them.
The worse thing is guilt and condemnation knowing that you had a chance to make it right, but you stayed.
I asked God to forgive me for rebelling. I made promises to God. This was a piece of me, my baby I held against my breast few days ago. Days went by, I refused to leave his side or move. I wanted someone to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be alright. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted it all to go away. No one held me, no one encouraged me, no one loved me. I was alone looking at my baby lying still with tubes coming from everywhere.
I wanted someone to shake me and wake me up from this bad dream.
I pleaded as I rocked myself back and forth. His tiny body finally gave in and he did die but God in His everlasting mercy, removed me for few minutes so that I did not have to see him take his last breath.
My brother gently forced me to shower and sleep after days of sitting next to him, the Lord showed me a dream where my son was waving me goodbye. He wasn't a baby. He was a little boy sitting on a swing in a lush garden full of flowers and I was pushing him from the front. He was waving at me. I was waving back. It was a very beautiful moment. I kept pushing him on the swing and he smiled and waved as I pushed him higher.
I heard the phone ringing far away. Then the ringing sound appeared closer and louder. I felt someone shake me. I opened my eyes and I knew …................. My son had gone. He waved me goodbye in my dream........
I didn’t cry. I felt numb. Everything after that I still don't remember to this day. How do you get over the death of a child - Only by God’s Grace! Who can understand your pain better than God who also lost a son?
My testimony now brings salvation, healing and restoration to many. Sometimes you don't get answers, you don't understand, you just believe in a power greater than death.
I don't know why I had to lose my baby my first born. Why my answer did not come. Why I had to be broken again. I have repented for being angry with God when my child died.
God alone has the power to turn your pain into purpose.
…For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Heb 13:5 NKJV).
To God I give all the glory now, even in my pain. He is the resurrection and the Life.